Sex, Sleep or Scrabble Read online

  Contents

  Title

  Preface to the New Edition

  Introduction

  1 Not so simple pleasures

    If you slow down too much, don’t you get pressure sores?

    Are we really less happy than we were in the fifties?

    Is sex the greatest pleasure there is?

    Is happiness as contagious as swine fl u?

    Can you enjoy being miserable?

    A dog, a job and a knob. Do I need anything else?

    Is dogging anything to do with dogs?

    Is it healthy to sleep with a pet?

    What are the side effects of ‘budgie smuggling’?

    Is it really good to touch the green, green grass of home?

    Is pulling your nose a polite way to masturbate in public?

    Is swearing good for you?

    Do people in glasses get more passes?

    Should MPs tell us what they’ve snorted?

    What’s the most dangerous recreational drug?

    Is ecstasy really no riskier than horse-riding?

    Where do I find my ‘I’ve had enough’ button?

  2 Doctors’ quirks

    Do doctors take the same advice and drugs they dish out to patients?

    Are doctors full of spin?

    Why do some GPs buzz you while others fetch you?

    What do doctors do in-between patients?

    Why do some doctors stare at your face and others at your feet?

    Why do doctors always come at you from the right?

    Why do doctors do that tapping thing with the fingers?

    Why do doctors put their hand on your chest and get you to say ‘ninety-nine’?

    Do doctors ever pretend to hear noises with a stethoscope?

    What did GPs do in the days before they dished out pills?

    What’s the most irritating thing a doctor can say to a patient?

    When a doctor rolls up his sleeve is it time to leave?

    Is it OK to swear in front of patients?

    What do doctors do with patients they hate?

    Do unlucky beds really exist?

    Do doctors still remove bits of brain with an ice-pick?

    Do doctors still experiment on themselves?

    Has a doctor ever eaten a patient’s poo?

    Why do men become gynecologists?

  3 Rude health

    HIS BITS

    Penis or Tummy Banana?

    Should I prick my pearly penile papules?

    What do 90% of British men have that 70% of American men don’t?

    What’s a helix mark?

    Why does my scrotum look fifty years older than I do?

    Why is my scrotum covered in chicken skin?

    Does my penis have higher blood pressure than I do?

    Does a penis always look smaller from above?

    Are erections powered by laughing gas?

    Why don’t men have a bone in the penis?

    Can a normal knob be bent and twisted?

    Do most men have moobs?

    Why do men pee all over the floor?

    Are some men genitally unaware?

    Are some men genitally too aware?

    HER PIECES

    Vagina or furry hoop?

    If women had to climax to produce an egg, would humans die out?

    Does a clitoris have legs?

    Why can’t women pee standing up?

    Does jogging make your boobs droop?

    Does breast size matter to men?

    Is it worth having a nip, tuck and tidy down below?

    If women had no discharge, would they squeak?

    BITS AND PIECES

    Can you beat a good poo?

    What’s the correct position for a poo?

    Should you stand up or sit down to wipe?

    Is it OK to rinse out a toilet brush in the sink?

    Why are the British obsessed with their bowels?

    Is Bristol proud of its Stool chart?

    Can farting spread disease?

    Is farting always someone else’s fault?

    When is it OK to relieve yourself in public?

    If it moves, is it rude?

    If a woman starts periods at the menarche, when does a man

    start ejaculating?

    How do I choose which size sanitary towels to buy my partner?

    Why do women clean up when men pee all over the floor?

    Why does it hurt when I pee?

  4 Surreal sex guide

    FLYING SOLO

    Is wanking a form of genocide?

    Do love eggs need to be fitted?

    Do voice activated vibrators work?

    Do people who work from home masturbate more?

    How do you stop a teenage boy wanking all the time?

    Who invented masturbatory guilt?

    If you don’t masturbate, doesn’t it just come out at night?

    Is it normal to make a racket when you’re on your own?

    Is masturbation ever harmful?

    VERY BASIC INSTINCTS

    Has everyone had more sex than me?

    Is it OK to be not terribly interested in sex?

    Is it normal to laugh during sex?

    Is comedy just sex in disguise?

    How soon can I have sex after a heart attack?

    How soon can I have sex after the cat’s died?

    Is infidelity normal?

    Is marriage really good for your health?

    Should I write an infidelity blog?

    Is watching porn a type of adultery?

    Does everyone else do it?

    What’s the difference between a prostitute and a sex worker?

    SEX IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

    How many different types of orgasm are there?

    Where do I find the use-by date on a penis?

    Why vinegar strokes?

    What’s ‘gichigich?’

    Do all women shout ‘Geronimo’ at orgasm?

    What’s the correct response to a fanny fart?

    Is bacchanalia anything to do with Burt Bacharach?

    Can cosmic energy give me better orgasms?

    Where can I get me some Yab-Yum?

    Should I hand wash my merkin?

    Whose idea was the missionary position?

    What’s the best sexual position for losing weight?

    Is it possible to come without looking like a wounded orc?

    Should you brush your teeth before oral sex?

    My granny used to say: ‘Long and thin goes too far in,

    short and thick does the trick.’ Was she right?

    My granny used to say: ‘With a tongue like a cow, you

    can make them go wow.’ Was she right again?

    What’s Peggy Lee syndrome?

    SEXUAL DILEMMAS

    What should you do if someone dies on you during sex?

    Can a corpse have an erection?

    Should the NHS pay for erections?

    What is the minimal acceptable firmness for an erection?

    Can a postage stamp spot an erection?

    Does the size of an erection pill matter?

    Does anyone inject his penis anymore?

    Can you choose what size penis you’d like with a vacuum pump?

    Is it safe to fall asleep with a penis enlarg
er on?

    Is it normal to squirt during sex?

    Is it possible to have a dry orgasm?

    Why do women get cystitis on their honeymoon?

    Can you fracture a penis?

    Can you bite off a penis by accident?

    Should semen be part of a calorie-controlled diet?

    Does that bum love-patch work?

    Do men who suffer from premature ejaculation turn up

    early to their appointments?

    Do you need a stopwatch to diagnose premature ejaculation?

    How hard should you squeeze to stop the semen geyser?

    MAKING BABIES

    Why does it take a hundred million sperm to fertilise one egg?

    Are you more likely to make a baby with one big shot or lots of little shots?

    Is it true that a horny fish can tell you if you’re pregnant?

    How can I tell if my cervix is ripe?

    Can men appear to be pregnant?

    Can I demand a caesarean section to keep my fanny honeymoon-fresh?

    Are men damaged by birth?

    Can men breastfeed?

    Is it normal to be turned on watching my partner breastfeed?

    Why is the public sign for breastfeeding a bottle?

    NOT MAKING BABIES

    Can family planning save the world?

    My granny used to say: ‘Keep it in your trousers.’ What did she mean?

    Can you get pregnant during a period?

    How many hands does it take to put a condom on properly?

    Do vegan condoms count as one of your five portions?

    Who was Dr Condom?

    Does anyone use female condoms?

    Whatever happened to the Today sponge?

    Can you do your own vasectomy?

    Can you do a vasectomy without a scalpel?

    If you were a teenage girl, what contraceptive method

    would you choose?

    What’s a Coca Cola douche?

    Should I keep emergency contraception in the pantry?

    Do all lady doctors have a Mirena coil?

    Can you use cervical mucus to make string curtains?

    Which is harder? Remembering to take the pill or remembering what to do if you forget to take it?

    WARTS AND ALL

    If I had a dose, would I know?

    What’s a morning drop?

    What’s the difference between an STD and an STI?

    What’s the difference between a clap clinic and a sexual health centre?

    What’s the prettiest sexually transmitted infection?

    Is herpes worth the hype?

    Is the UK the genital wart capital of the world?

    Can you remove genital warts with a cheese grater?

    Does Chlamydia make a good Christmas present?

    Can you get crabs on your eyebrows?

  5 Body talk

    Can you really die of embarrassment?

    Do I have to lie on my left-hand side, draw my knees up to my chest and take a few deep breaths?

    FOR HIM

    Can you check your own prostate?

    Is it possible to have a prostate examination without getting an erection?

    Is it true that tomato ketchup reduces your risk of prostate cancer and how should I apply it?

    Is dribbling a sign of prostate cancer?

    Is there anything more painful than a prostate biopsy?

    How can I tell if my prostate cancer is a pussycat or a tiger?

    Does anyone else have a hole on the underside?

    What makes a bladder bashful?

    Can you still write ‘cello scrotum’ on a sick note?

    Should foreskins be cut off willy-nilly?

    Can I do my own circumcision?

    Can you regrow your foreskin?

    Is it possible for a black man to have a pink penis?

    I’ve got scrotal swelling. Dr Google says it might be elephantiasis. What do you think?

    Can you check both testicles at once, to save time?

    Why do doctors lose interest in your testicles when you hit fifty?

    FOR HER

    What can I expect from an internal examination?

    Are bakers good at examining breasts?

    Does a mammogram have to squeeze my breasts so hard?

    Can I examine my ovaries?

    Is there any way of making a cervical smear less embarrassing?

    Is cervical cancer a sexually transmitted infection?

    Why does my bra ride up my back?

    Should I wear crotchless pants to the doctors?

    After the menopause, do you just have to pad up and shut up?

    Should I squeeze before I sneeze?

    A teabag is good for vulval pain, but can I use it for tea first?

    How do you put yoghurt into your vagina without getting it all over the settee?

    TO SHARE

    Should I turn my belly button inside out to clean it?

    Should I pop piles back in with the end of my toothbrush?

    Do piles strangle themselves?

    Can I take my piles home with me?

    Can you catch threadworms by putting sticky tape over your anus?

    What’s the best cure for anal itch?

    My GP said I could relieve my anal pain by sitting on a tennis ball. Shall I sue?

    Can you really burn your ear if someone phones when you’re ironing?

    How much of my body should I shave?

    Can black pudding mimic the signs of bowel cancer?

    Do I have to have been to public school to find bowel screening acceptable?

    Why do I smell?

  6 Forbidden fruit

    GAMES PEOPLE PLAY

    Can you have sex in a body scanner?

    Is sex better for you if you do it outdoors?

    What’s the best sex gadget on the market?

    Do Dr Phil’s Miracle Man Milk and Luscious Lady Lube really exist?

    Do perpendicular penile piercings hurt?

    Do you favour open or closed swinging?

    What are the best party tricks to play with a very long penis?

    Do people really fall backwards whilst wallpapering the ceiling?

    How do you remove a light bulb from the rectum?

    Who owns the X-ray?

    Is it possible to whip someone in the context of a loving relationship?

    How do I tell if my partner is dominant, submissive or not interested?

    My granny used to say: ‘Pleasure is a two-way street but your anus doesn’t have to be.’ Was she right?

    GAMES VERY FEW PEOPLE PLAY

    Is docking possible without a foreskin?

    Does teabagging taste better with sugar?

    Have you ever seen bladder tennis go to five sets?

    Can you make your own Sailors’ Sweetheart?

    Is it legal to keep 2p pieces in your foreskin?

    What’s the best shoe for playing freckle?

    Do people really put hamsters up there?

    Is it true they make plaster casts of your penis when you’re under anaesthetic?

    Can you swaddle a penis?

    Where can I ride a human pony?

    Can you catheterise yourself with tubular pasta?

    Is it possible to have a phobia of penis-like musical instruments?

    Yeah, right. And I suppose there’s a name for getting off on ants crawling all over your genitals?

    Getting turned on by watching a loved one having sex with an animal?

    Sniffing women’s shoes?

  7 About Dr Phil

  �
� What’s your favorite sexual move?

    How much do you drink?

    What’s the rudest thing you learnt at medical school?

    Have you ever been reported to the GMC?

    Have you ever missed a pregnancy?

    Have you ever put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear?

    What’s the biggest wobbly a patient’s thrown in front of you?

    Have you ever tried anything illicit?

    Have you ever tested legal drugs?

    Have you ever had a TUBE?

    Have you ever been whipped?

    Have you ever had a dose?

    What would you like to be if you weren’t a doctor?

    Do you still have your penis enlarger?

    Do patients take you seriously?

    Have you ever been anyone’s wonder pony?

    What are your favourite Sex Scrabble words?

    ALSO BY DR PHIL

    FURTHER BROWSING

    By the Same Author

    Copyright

  Preface to the New Edition

  Since the first edition was published, Dr Phil has been touring the UK with his Rude Health Show, teaching people to pleasure themselves in a safe and sustainable way. Generally this has gone rather well, with nearly all men agreeing that the secret of a happy and fulfilling life is ‘a dog, a job and a knob’. Women seem to be equally happy with a dog or a horse, but would happily swap the knob for a biscuit.

  Dr Phil’s tour is a gentlemanly affair, and is likely to go on for several years at a rate of not more than twice a week. I will get to you eventually, but in the meantime you can perfect the art of self-pleasure by reading this book and watching the DVDs. Even better, just look around you. The secret of self-pleasure is to pleasure others.

  In that vein, I was hoping to appear naked in this new edition, and indeed on stage, but the General Medical Council has advised against this on the grounds that some of my patients might find it difficult to take me seriously. Or it might even kill them. So as a compromise, I’ve decided not to wear pants whilst consulting in hot weather.

  Enjoy

  Dr Phil

  August 2010

  www.drphilhammond.com

  Introduction

  ‘Sex, Sleep or Scrabble?’

  It’s ten o’clock at night, the kids have finally pretended to go to sleep and supper has worked its way through the top half of your gut. So what do you fancy? Sex, sleep or Scrabble? When I ask an audience for a show of hands, it splits neatly into thirds. When I ask for a show of opinion, it gets far more complicated. Apparently, you don’t need to be over fifty to enjoy Scrabble. And you can combine it with sex, either before – a bit of stiff intellectual competition makes fine foreplay – or after, if you don’t smoke. Or you can play Sex Scrabble, where every word drips with moist, purple innuendo (and you seldom make it past the opening round).